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September 10, 2011

Normal...



ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when I realize someone important is missing from all the important events in my family's life.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is feeling like I can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because I just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand "what if's" & "why didn't I's" go through my head constantly.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is reliving that day continuously through my eyes and mind, holding my head to make it go away.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is staring at every young man wondering how old they are, if they are my sons age, then thinking how my son would be at that age and what he would be doing. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart knowing my youngest son is missing.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is no matter how many children we have, there will always be one missing.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is telling the story of my sons death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is having some people afraid to mention my sons name.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is making sure that others remember my son.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is still celebrating his Birthday on September 2nd (1991) and then celebrating his meeting God on April 26 (2010).

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is after the funeral was over, everyone else went on with their lives, but I continue to grieve my loss forever.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is not listening to people - compare anything in their life - to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING, Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having your child die is unnatural.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is realizing I DO cry EVERY day & night.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone because I'm stricken with grief over the loss of my baby.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is new friendships with other grieving mothers, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is some days being too tired to care if I paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry, or if there's any food.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is wondering what to say when the inevitable question of: "How many children do you have?" is asked... Do I explain that I have 1 son in heaven & 2 on Earth -or- say I have 1 less child, to avoid that problem? (Of course, if I choose the latter, I'll feel horrible because I will have betrayed my son.)

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is avoiding friends - who have been friends for years, because the sight of them and their children tears my heart in two and reminds me again of what I lost.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is asking God why children around the world are dying, they are just children!

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is finding excuses not to go to baby showers and birthday parties because I don't want my loss and sadness to overshadow anyone’s special day.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is having to bite my tongue when people say stupid things because I know they mean no harm, they are just ignorant.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is being avoided by people who know my son is now dead, because they are uncomfortable talking about it.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is I NEED to talk about it.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is everyday finding the strength to get out of bed and go on living even though most days I feel like I can't.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is when I do get out of bed, I realize that today is one day closer to seeing my son again.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is knowing that 80% of relationships will not survive the loss of a child and wondering if I'll beat the odds.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is blaming myself and wondering if others blame me too.

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all............

ƸӜƷ ♥ Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for me to feel, so that everyone around me will think that I'm "normal".....


ƸӜƷ ♥ Gregory Edward Whale, Jr. ƸӜƷ
ƸӜƷ ♥ 9-2-1991 --- 4-26-2010 ƸӜƷ
ƸӜƷ ♥ Gone but Not Forgotten! ƸӜƷ

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