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September 22, 2011

Living After, As A Parent Who Has Lost A Child

by Penny Stanton Trujillo

My heart goes out to you, you never do get over it. All this stuff you see on television about "finding closure" is nonsense, because there can never be any closure to this nightmare. It's just a trite and rather stupid statement on the part of those witnessing, but not affected by the loss (such as television viewers and commentators) or people who know the survivors and want to say or do something to offer relief but don't know what to do, so they talk about "closure" because that's the only way they can come to terms with such a cataclysmic loss.

The fact is, most people can't stand to see other people experiencing intense, prolonged, wrenching grief. They don't know how to cope with it, and, in fact, they are afraid of it, because if it can happen to you, then it can happen to them. And that's irritating, if not enraging, if you're suffering like this because in the midst of such grief, you soon feel the unspoken pressure to make it comfortable for everyone in your orbit (school, work, friends, etc.), and "get over" your grief (i.e., "find closure.")

I know I've wanted scream, scream, scream over the years to everyone that I have to interact with that due to this shock and unbearable loss, I cannot function like you do -- that I live in a different world that you cannot possibly understand --so that if you want "appropriate laughter" and "appropriate tears" at "appropriate times" -- and if you want someone who always balances her checkbook correctly and makes all her trains on time -- then you've got the wrong girl. Sometimes I have to struggle through every day just to do the routine things, because little things will trigger memories, and elements of rage and regret, and I'm just not tuning in.

Most of the world doesn't understand this, however; and does not tolerate it. It's one of the many scars we survivors have to bear.


13 comments:

  1. how about those comments that God only takes the best, etc....seems like punishment to me ??? or he's in a better place, how tdo they know, have they ever been there ??

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  2. The ONLY ones who know what it's like are Grieving Parents... Some people try to understand others, while others think they know everything...

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  3. Thanks sooo much for this, I lost my oldest daughter a year ago may 16th, and I don't feel like I have really let go of my true grief, I keep it in check so that my "loved" ones around me will not think I have gone off the deep end. God Bless You dear sister! Joy

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  4. Joy, Please feel free to look around at all the other poems & articles I have listed on my blog, some may help, some may make you cry more, & some will make you laugh... But All of them have been put here with love...
    I Love ALL THREE of my sons... My Older two are still alive & I thank God for them everyday... I can have conversations with them, See them, Hear them, Hold them, Encourage them, etc... I Love it!! - But with my Youngest Son, I look at the same Photos & think back over the 18 years, 7 months, & 24 days we had with him...

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  5. I lost a daughter in 1992 and it still hurts. I have scars and life goes on but it never ends the wondering and survivor's guilt that I still feel.

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  6. I've been on many support groups on FaceBook & I've read so many stories from other grieving parents... The pain seems to always be there no matter how much some people say their "over it" the littlest thing that happens or is said or heard or no matter the faintest smell... Tears still form & roll down the cheeks, but we try & wipe them before others notice, because we don't want to make "them" uncomfortable...
    It's Okay, This is all Normal...

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  7. Lost my step daughter a month ago today and seeing this first thing this morning was so comforting. Thank you

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  8. Blessings to all Grieving Parents...

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  9. Wow. I just read your "about me" section. My sister is an OCD Carmelite. She has been since 1979.

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  10. Very Cool... You'll have to send her my other blog...
    www.ocds-carmelite.blogspot.com

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  11. I love the posts on here, the poems too. I am a grieving mother and a support group facilitator and can tell you it is so nice to see blogs and groups rising up to help those in need of support and rescue from the expectations of the non-grievers. I think many of these stories and poems would be helpful to parents in my group and ask if it would be okay to share some of these with them. Thank you! Megan @ Healing Hearts Share Support Group, also on FB.

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  12. aww i love all your post.. </3 god bless

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  13. Thank You, I'm so sorry I didn't see this before today... But as you know, our minds don't work the way they used to... <3

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Thank you for Posting your comments! - God Bless!