by Bonni Rubinstein for Justin Rubinstein (My son and my life)
waiting for a child to come home who never will again.
not doing their dirty laundry just so that you can smell them.
having the junk they kept in their rooms turn into your greatest treasures.
watching other kids go on to do wonderful things knowing your child is done doing whatever he would have done.
thinking that somehow there must be a mistake, but you know there is no mistake because you kissed your child in his coffin.
never getting the chance to say goodbye.
knowing that an entire branch of your family tree is now gone, no grandchildren or great grandchildren.
seeing movies come out that your child will never see.
not being able to tell your child how much you love him.
having others wonder what you did wrong to make your child take his own life.
wondering what you did wrong to make your child take his own life.
waking up each day to the reality that your child is no more.
having an empty chair at the dinner table.
having every little thing you see or hear hurt you somehow.
waking and thinking you hear your child coming home in the middle of the night only to remember your child is never coming home.
living for your own death and welcoming it.
crying in supermarkets because you see apples or whatever else your child loved to eat.
feeling a sense of disaster non-stop every second of the day.
being helpless to do anything to help your child.
not knowing where your child is.
sobbing when people ask you how many children you have.
fearing people will forget your child.
living without your child.
Sad is only being able to visit your precious child at a grave site.... that is what sad is...
11-25-89 ~ 11-18-10