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March 13, 2011

Holy Humor...

A father was approached by  his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what  the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'
what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do  know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the  Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It
stands for 'Basic  Information Before Leaving Earth.'
=======

There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country..
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten  Commandments." answered the  lady.

========

"Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and  say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who  wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's  morning."

========

A minister parked  his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a  space with a meter.
Then he put a note under  the windshield wiper that read: "I have
circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll  miss my
appointment. Forgive us our  trespasses."
When he returned, he found a  citation from a police officer along
with this  note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I  don't give
you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us  not into temptation."

========

There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and 
announced to his congregation: "I have good news  and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough  money to pay for our new
building program. The bad  news is, it's still out there
in your  pockets."

========

While driving in   Pennsylvania , a family  caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the  carriage obviously
had a sense of humor, because attached to the back
of the carriage was a hand  printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on  oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in  exhaust."

========

A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys  and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the
kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who  does art in Heaven... "

========

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars  ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
motioned him  toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."

========

People want the  front of the bus, the back of the church,
and the center of attention.

========

Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll
get your  quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day,
the pastor stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what
that morning's Sunday school  lesson was about.
He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming."

========

The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money
  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute  wanted to know what to play..
"Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll  have to think of something to play after
I make  the announcement about the finances."
During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment,  the substitute organist played
"The Star  Spangled Banner."
And that is how the  substitute became the regular  organist!

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