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December 31, 2009

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE...


I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC
FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE,
WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
It is said that 86% of Americans
Believe in God...
Therefore I have a very hard time understanding
why there is such a problem in having
'In God We Trust' on our money
and having 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I believe it's time we stand up
for what we believe!
If you agree, pass this on...

December 30, 2009

English Language...

What do you make of this little lot, little.... lot.... Ha! Ha! Ha!
When you have 'read' to the end , you'll be 'wound' up and 'red' faced...
'Read' all the way to the end... ...read/read... ...oh dear!

This took a lot of work to put together!!!
You think English is easy???
Understatement of the year!!!

01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce .
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present,
      he thought it was time to present the present .
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted but
if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither rom Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends
but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers
should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

I bet U R Glad U R not an English Teacher!!!!!

December 29, 2009

Blonde Jokes...

I Just had to, I'm Sorry...

THE MOON OR FLORIDA
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" - The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" - The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" - The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. - To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond... "They're watch dogs!"

December 28, 2009

Seasons Greetings To Our Fur Parents...

...who have opened their homes...
Here in this house...
I will never know the loneliness I hear
In the barks of the other dogs 'out there'.
I can sleep soundly, assured that when
I wake my world will not have changed.
I will never know hunger, or the fear of not knowing if I'll eat.
I will not shiver in the cold, or grow weary from the heat.
I will feel the sun's heat, and the rain's coolness,
and be allowed to smell all that can reach my nose.
My fur will shine, and never be dirty or matted.

Here in this house...
There will be an effort to communicate with me on my level.
I will be talked to and, even if I don't understand,
I can enjoy the warmth of the words.
I will be given a name so that I may know who I am among many.
My name will be used in joy, and I will love the sound of it!
Here in this house...
I will never be a substitute for anything I am not.
I will never be used to improve peoples' images of themselves.
I will be loved because I am who I am, not someone's idea of who I should be.
I will never suffer for someone's anger, impatience, or stupidity.
I will be taught all the things I need to know to be loved by all.
If I do not learn my lessons well, they will look to my teacher for blame.
Here in this house...
I can trust arms that hold, hands that touch...
knowing that, no matter what they do, they do it for the good of me.
If I am ill, I will be doctored.
If scared, I will be calmed.
If sad, I will be cheered.
No matter what I look like,
I will be considered beautiful and known to be of value.
I will never be cast out because I am too old,
too ill, too unruly, or not cute enough.
My life is a responsibility, and not an afterthought.

I will learn that humans can almost, sometimes,
be as kind and as fair as dogs.

Here in this house...
I will belong.
I will be home.
(Author unknown)
        

December 27, 2009

The Dancers...

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

*The last line says it all. *


Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less.

I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without
fussing about the weeds in the garden.

I'm spending more time with my family
and friends, and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern
of experiences to savor, not to endure.

I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything;

we use our good china and crystal for every
special event such as losing a pound,

getting the sink unstopped,
or the first Amaryllis blossom.


I wear my good blazer to the market.
My theory is if I look prosperous,
I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties,
but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers in banks
who have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'.
"Someday" and "one of these days"
are losing their grip on my vocabulary.

If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing,
I want to see it, hear it, and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known
they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow...
that we all take for granted.

I think they would have called family members and a few close friends.

They might have called a few former friends to
apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.

I like to think they would have gone out for a Japanese Teppanyaki grill
dinner at Benihana's or out for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would
make me angry if I knew my hours were limited.

Angry because I hadn't written certain letters,
that I intended to write one of these days.

Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my Parents, Siblings,
Spouse, Children, & GrandChildren often
enough how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save
anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.

And every morning when I open my eyes,
tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you.

If you're too busy to take the few minutes it takes,
right now to pass this to someone you love,

would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing
that would make a difference in your relationships?

I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about,
just to let them know that you're thinking of them.


"People say true friends must always hold hands,
but true friends don't need to hold hands because...
they know the other hand will always be there."


"Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we might as well dance."

December 26, 2009

It's the Day After Christmas...


It was the day after Christmas at a church in Florida.

The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche,

when he noticed that the baby Jesus

was missing from among the figures.

He hurried outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon,

and in the wagon was

the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said,

"Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"




The boy explained,

"Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the

little Lord Jesus and I told Him
'if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it'."

MERRY   CHRISTMA EVERYONE!